a few questions to me & insight too

who am i already

who do i want to be

is it possible to artfully create

is it possible for me

would money make things different

would different make me more

i like this moment

i breathe

i try

love is present

knowing is good.

i had big plans

i had a list

i had ideas

i had big plans

for this year

some of the things

blog

run

teach

read

business

write

look so simple

one worded action items

unable to accomplish them

no consistency

did however

get married

become a step mom officially

move to a foreign country

make new friends

quit old job

lose money

meditate

graduate (sorta - kinda)

recommit to me

find heart

learn

do

have

not so bad overall i guess

i have big plans for next year!!

waking up me

in the morning

he pulls me close

he tells me

how he is the luckiest and happiest

how well i fit

how i am his baby

it is like a comforter of love

waking me

it is like the best cup of coffee

waking me

every morning

sometimes he'll wake up in the middle of the night

i know this because

he pulls me close and he whispers to me

trying not to wake me

the first time we met

he couldn't help it

that is when he began

waking me

waking my senses, my heart, my dreams

he is not the answer to my prayers

he

by waking me

is

a ray of bright that lightens my slumber

the moon that whispers yes

when i rise to seek after

all my

sleeping potential

update

i live in mexico

that is the update for now.

i think you know that already

but it was an update to myself.

live where i am

i have a tendency to want to wait till i get there

and so i am updating to me

i am there already.

live.

present.

about some stuff...

the commitment ceremony will now be august 1st. i am sending out save the dates so i can't change the date and location again. the ability to keep revising the time, local and date is just too tempting for me. maybe the 3rd/4th/5th combo is enough

my guy, he woke me up all week this week offering 100 kisses.

i am going to so cal this weekend and plan to spend the bulk of it with my kindred, my anam cara. like 100 kisses in a very different way, but my stomach gets the same excitement.

i may be doing some very iresponsible things soon.

gratitude is present.

stones

i want a blue stone
i want a white stone
i want a blue stone surrounded by white stones
yes

going nowhere again

yesterday the pain returned – the kind that sits viciously behind my eyes and stabs periodically at my brain.

it is over now. i am glad. the physical pain is gone and the emotional suffering has returned. i am sad. just sad. kinda confused, overwhelmed and still very scared.

ever chart a course and then wonder how you got to be the captain?

liar

feel like a liar

my friend david cantwell the capicorn

you're my very good friend david -
i cannot imagine walking through life without you.

the thought of you brings tears to me at this very moment as i soften into the goodness you are.

thank you for being such a good david and thank you for letting me be such a messy girl.

i am ready to step into the woman that i have wanted to be for a long time - but the whiny part of me keeps reminding me that it is hard.
i just told her to shut up and now i am going to step in faith. just today.

i am a blessed heart -
i am shaped by your kindness, love and wisdom in the most incredible way.

thank you.
truly.

damn me

damn him for wanting me to shine
damn him for not being a scapegoat of why my life is lackluster
damn him for having high expectations of me
damn him for being supportive in an unfamiliar way
damn him for loving me
damn him

damn it - i am embarrassed to be so small and to get so lost so often.
damn it - i wish i could be more silent about my blunders
damn it - i meant to keep on track
damn it

commiting myself in may -

So here I am, back to the capitalism part of life. Isn't it just that, money, spiritualism, and matters of love....what else do we concern ourselves with...can't it all be categorized in one of those? Or isn't it a matter of balancing or reorganizing or making sure that the 2 that rally matter don't get bullied by the one that doesn't?

So my heart is overflowing - looking forward to trying to pull off a wedding in May. Spirtual life can use a jolt, but that feels constant. Money, well it has me in some grips again. Ready to break out of the 9-5 mold and begin to real create and flourish. Scared. So I stay here in my safe office and think of the security it offers.

How will I know if I can fly if I never take the leap?

Cash

money
changes
everything

oh cyndie - how could you do it? we saw each other every afternoon...i said yeah, but you know, money changes everything.

please give me some. i want change.

okay - actually i am fine and blessed and grateful.
but i'm still living in a world where i'm prone to frustration about how much $ i don't have. want more money so i can do less work and play more often. and by play i mean work on other stuff. i swear i'd probably work harder and accomplish more if i didn't have to.

funny equation.

accepting donations. may be in the form of gifts. i like pretty things.

Soften my heart...with spikes of pain

Today my heart is tender for:

Miss Sasha (seriously, miss you girl);
Mr. Everything Good aka Grandpa (wish you were here);
Little Miss Pain-in-ass-but-love-you-anyway-Katie (hope Juvie on New Year's rocked); and
Mr. Stabbed-the-man-in-the-neck-and-now-I-am-in-prison-Dad (loved the chinos on th last visit).

Tender heart – as if my heart was literally tenderized with one of those big wooden hammers with the protruding spikes.

Tender heart – a moment when I know that none of this is personal

Tender heart – ability to be soft even though suffering exists

Tender heart – wanting to love you

Tender heart – wanting to free you from your suffering

Tender heart – allowing you to have your suffering anyway

Tender heart – full of stillness

may it remain.