going nowhere again

yesterday the pain returned – the kind that sits viciously behind my eyes and stabs periodically at my brain.

it is over now. i am glad. the physical pain is gone and the emotional suffering has returned. i am sad. just sad. kinda confused, overwhelmed and still very scared.

ever chart a course and then wonder how you got to be the captain?

liar

feel like a liar

my friend david cantwell the capicorn

you're my very good friend david -
i cannot imagine walking through life without you.

the thought of you brings tears to me at this very moment as i soften into the goodness you are.

thank you for being such a good david and thank you for letting me be such a messy girl.

i am ready to step into the woman that i have wanted to be for a long time - but the whiny part of me keeps reminding me that it is hard.
i just told her to shut up and now i am going to step in faith. just today.

i am a blessed heart -
i am shaped by your kindness, love and wisdom in the most incredible way.

thank you.
truly.

damn me

damn him for wanting me to shine
damn him for not being a scapegoat of why my life is lackluster
damn him for having high expectations of me
damn him for being supportive in an unfamiliar way
damn him for loving me
damn him

damn it - i am embarrassed to be so small and to get so lost so often.
damn it - i wish i could be more silent about my blunders
damn it - i meant to keep on track
damn it

commiting myself in may -

So here I am, back to the capitalism part of life. Isn't it just that, money, spiritualism, and matters of love....what else do we concern ourselves with...can't it all be categorized in one of those? Or isn't it a matter of balancing or reorganizing or making sure that the 2 that rally matter don't get bullied by the one that doesn't?

So my heart is overflowing - looking forward to trying to pull off a wedding in May. Spirtual life can use a jolt, but that feels constant. Money, well it has me in some grips again. Ready to break out of the 9-5 mold and begin to real create and flourish. Scared. So I stay here in my safe office and think of the security it offers.

How will I know if I can fly if I never take the leap?

Cash

money
changes
everything

oh cyndie - how could you do it? we saw each other every afternoon...i said yeah, but you know, money changes everything.

please give me some. i want change.

okay - actually i am fine and blessed and grateful.
but i'm still living in a world where i'm prone to frustration about how much $ i don't have. want more money so i can do less work and play more often. and by play i mean work on other stuff. i swear i'd probably work harder and accomplish more if i didn't have to.

funny equation.

accepting donations. may be in the form of gifts. i like pretty things.

Soften my heart...with spikes of pain

Today my heart is tender for:

Miss Sasha (seriously, miss you girl);
Mr. Everything Good aka Grandpa (wish you were here);
Little Miss Pain-in-ass-but-love-you-anyway-Katie (hope Juvie on New Year's rocked); and
Mr. Stabbed-the-man-in-the-neck-and-now-I-am-in-prison-Dad (loved the chinos on th last visit).

Tender heart – as if my heart was literally tenderized with one of those big wooden hammers with the protruding spikes.

Tender heart – a moment when I know that none of this is personal

Tender heart – ability to be soft even though suffering exists

Tender heart – wanting to love you

Tender heart – wanting to free you from your suffering

Tender heart – allowing you to have your suffering anyway

Tender heart – full of stillness

may it remain.